Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
