we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize