I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize