I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
