Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
