My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
