So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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