I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
