Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
