Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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