i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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