im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
