You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
