you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
