Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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