don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
