Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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