you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
