Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
