So drunk its hurt
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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