Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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