Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
