oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
