My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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