so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
