how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
