he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
