She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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