tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
