i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
