so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
