so explain again why im purple
no
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
