My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
