I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
