nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
