there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
