Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
