Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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