never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
