Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
