yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
pray to the hookup gods
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
