Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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