Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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