I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
