I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
