I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
