I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
