just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
