im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
so let's talk penis.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
