She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
sarcasm needs its own font
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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