I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
