I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
