did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
