sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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