Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
