what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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