i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
