i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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